1. For the first time in years I’ve spent Holy Saturday at home instead of at the Great Vigil. 
  2. I was resolved that it is ok, and even normal to miss such a ritual.  I overdosed last year, in a good way, but still.  There is also merit, I think to letting something go by, so that you can look at it afresh in a new year. 
  3. My final sticking point in my internal debate over whether or not to go,  was that I hate to miss a community event, and when I tried to tell myself that much like the ritual, the same folks will be there next year, I thought of our dear Jeff, who has been very much on my mind lately.  I never would have imagined, as I saw him bustling around, getting ready for the Agape; showing me the white and gold m and ms (matching the color scheme) that this year, he wouldn’t be there. And that made me cry a little.
  4. So I can’t control life like that you see.  There is the solid ritual of the church.  God’s love and promise strong and constant.  Our earthly selves float around it, in and out.  Sometimes, I’ll go, sometimes not.  Sometimes I’ll miss a good time.  But that’s ok.
  5. I think, overall, this is just my time to not make sense.  I lack an understanding right now of what is and what will be.  Though it is a feeling of being at loose ends, it is alright, I think.
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One Response to

  1. Gary says:

    I totally get this, especially the loose ends part. But we did miss you. Time – what an earthly thing! I think God doesn’t have it — or, rather, God holds time, but is not held by it, as we are. For me, its grip is iron. I mark the passing time by the things it has taken from me: and I accumulate a wistful string of such markers, more and more of them as life goes on. It seems that mostly what I feel is my bondage to time, not any freedom from it. But especially at this time of year, I am happy to be reminded that ultimately it is the freedom that will last, not my captivity. And also that I can mark the passing of time as well by the gifts of love we receive in this life. Among those gifts to me are you and Jeff and Cathy and Lucy-Lee and Jean and Susannah (she was there last night, wandering around; I think Alexandria has its own grey gardens). Most of all, though, I am thankful for the gift of your friendship – just having you as a companion on this journey, especially as I strike out in such a new and exciting (and scary) direction. Thank you.

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