- For the first time in years I’ve spent Holy Saturday at home instead of at the Great Vigil.
- I was resolved that it is ok, and even normal to miss such a ritual. I overdosed last year, in a good way, but still. There is also merit, I think to letting something go by, so that you can look at it afresh in a new year.
- My final sticking point in my internal debate over whether or not to go, was that I hate to miss a community event, and when I tried to tell myself that much like the ritual, the same folks will be there next year, I thought of our dear Jeff, who has been very much on my mind lately. I never would have imagined, as I saw him bustling around, getting ready for the Agape; showing me the white and gold m and ms (matching the color scheme) that this year, he wouldn’t be there. And that made me cry a little.
- So I can’t control life like that you see. There is the solid ritual of the church. God’s love and promise strong and constant. Our earthly selves float around it, in and out. Sometimes, I’ll go, sometimes not. Sometimes I’ll miss a good time. But that’s ok.
- I think, overall, this is just my time to not make sense. I lack an understanding right now of what is and what will be. Though it is a feeling of being at loose ends, it is alright, I think.