1. I am at a Starbucks in Rehoboth Beach, DE.  Chaperoning a trip for Julie’s TA.  Her chemo and radiation made it impossible for her to come.  So I drove them down, we went to the beach yesterday, celebrated one girl’s 18th birthday with a special dinner and a few games of Whack-a-mole at the arcade.  They are now going to go shopping, and we will go to the beach later, and meet up with the other TAs who are coming.  I suspect this could take some time.  I am across the street from the hotel, and unless I missed it, I don’t think they have left for their shopping yet!  No worry really, this weekend is for them, so I can roll with it.  My only thing is trying to make en early enough exit on Sunday so as to avoid the major traffic.
  2. I used to think I was a strong person, but now I suspect I have not really been challenged.  As I face the idea and reality of friends and family being sick, I think I might crumple like a paper bag.  I don’t really know how to operate.  I mean, yes, you do just keep doing and breathing and doing the best you can, but other’s suffering makes me feel so helpless.  It would be easier to be sick myself.   Then there would be things to act on.  Instead I just stand about, flapping my hands feebly.
  3. Can we say it has been a hard year?  June was when we found out about Jeff.  Now Jeff is gone, Jan is gone, Liz and Julie fighting their battles. Dad and others waiting and wondering what the next doctor’s visits will bring. 
  4. Seems wrong to feel bad when my pain was so much less than others, but I guess it is lurking there, and suspect part of it has strapped itself on me to the tune of 30 lbs.  I am fat.  This is not a surprise, but something to be stated and faced.  At this time last year I was embarking on a program of daily workouts for the summer.  Now, after a year of gaining, I am short of breath and dizzy and thinking some sort of water exercise is necessary in order to get moving, but not aggravate my now aching joints and feets.
  5. Still breathe.  In and out.  In and out.  Crying at starbucks is lame. Breathe.  In and out.  The mosaic of life presented: life is sweet and sour all at once.
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2 Responses to

  1. hippiehigh says:

    Liz and Julie?
    Do you know something I don’t know?
    I know this sucks. I have been looking at the brave examples around me and wondering how on earth I would handle the curveballs and, frankly, the pain and fear, that life is throwing at these people. God bless them. I am a wuss. I wonder if I would rise to the occasion as they have. I don’t think it’s inevitable.

  2. RomeLover says:

    if we stand together and flap our hands feebly, will we generate enough breeze to blow the stench of it all away?

    i’m right there with you.

    together, i think we are much stronger than by ourselves.

    but, it sucks.

    seriously.

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